Expulsion:  A Far Too Horrible Revenge
by cuddlebearlove
Summary: Draco wants revenge for what Harry did in Dumbledore's office, but will he go too far to get it?  Followup to the Horrible stories.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Not mine

Expulsion: A Far Too Horrible Revenge

"Oh bloody hell." Harry cursed as he read the letter in his hands.

"What is it?" Hermione asked concerned.

"Is it You-Know-Who?" Ron asked. "Has he viciously and torturously murdered your entire remaining family?"

"Uh, no. But thank you for supplying me with more images for my nightmares."

"Has Snuffles been captured?" Ron questioned.

"No."

"Has it been determined that Severus is your real father?"

"What's wrong with you today?" Harry asked, annoyed.

"Have you decided you really should be in Slytherin."

Hermione was losing her patience. "Shut up, Ronald. Harry, what's wrong?"

"I don't know. This just says to be in Professor Dumbledore's office at three o'clock this afternoon."

"What have you done?" Hermione asked.

"Nothing this week." Harry answered.

"Do you think Malfoy has done something?" Ron questioned.

"I have been expecting it. Though I can't imagine why he would go through the headmaster. I expected a more personal attack or hexing."

"Perhaps Malfoy has decided you aren't worth losing and wants to kiss and make up." Ron suggested.

"Ronald, eat your breakfast." Hermione urged before turning back to Harry. "Whatever it is, it can't be that bad. That, and you had it coming."

"You're a real cheery lot, today, you know that?" Harry asked his best friends before stuffing the rest of his toast in his mouth.

Three o'clock found him outside Albus Dumbledore's office. He knocked and was immediately told to enter. Gathered in the office was Albus, Draco, Remus, and two other people he did not recognize. Dumbledore introduced them, but Harry wasn't really paying attention. Remus' presence there had suddenly made him feel very apprehensive.

"Sit down, Harry." Albus ordered, indicating the chair beside the werewolf.

Harry walked over and sat, nervously looking at Remus. His expression was unreadable.

The headmaster began "Now Harry, because you are being accused of something that could lead to your expulsion-"

"What?" Harry gasped, jumping up.

Remus gently tugged him back down and placed a comforting hand on his knee. "It's alright." he whispered. "I don't believe for a second that you are guilty. Neither does You-Know-Who."

"What does Voldemort have to do with this? Why would he care?" Harry asked, now thoroughly confused.

"Not that You-Know-Who. The other You-Know-Who."

"Huh?"

Remus rolled his eyes, leaned as close to Harry's ear as possible, and hissed "Padfoot."

"Oh." Harry nodded, comprehension suddenly dawning on his face.

"If I may continue?" Albus asked.

"Of course." Remus nodded.

"Harry, because you are being accused of something that could lead to your expulsion, you are allowed to have an adult represent you here. I have asked Remus to take on this resposibility."

"Okay." Harry said slowly. "What has the little butt muncher said now?"

"Harry." Remus gasped, shooting looks at the two wizards Harry still could not identify.

"What?" the teen questioned.

"It isn't a good idea to talk like that in front of the governors."

"Huh?" Harry asked again.

"The two wizards representing the board of governors of Hogwarts." Remus clarified, again looking at the strangers.

"Oh." Harry gasped. "Is that who they are?"

"Were you not listening when you were introduced?"

"To be honest, Remus, no, I was not listening."

It was then that both Harry and Remus became conscious of the fact that everyone was now listening to them. Harry at least had the wisdom to look ashamed before speaking to everyone. "I wasn't listening because I was nervous. It had nothing to do with a lack of respect. Oh, and I'm sorry about the butt muncher thing."

"Why don't we move on to the accusations that Mr. Malfoy is making against Mr. Potter." one of the governors asked.

"Very well." sighed Albus before he was again interrupted.

"There is something you should know first, Mr. Potter, regarding the reason we are here. Mr. Malfoy has requested governor assistance on this matter. He does not believe the headmaster is capable of being unbiased in this investigation." Governor Number Two said. "Normally, Mr. Malfoy Sr. would investigate, but as Lucius is still recovering from your recent break up with his son, he asked us to fill in."

To say Remus looked mildly shocked at the mention of a relationship between Harry and Draco would be an understatement. He managed to keep his immediate questions to himself and instead looked to Albus. "Can we please get on with this?"

"Harry," the headmaster said, "Draco is accusing you of sexual harassment."

"What?" Harry asked. "That's absurd."

"So you are denying these accusations, Mr. Potter?" Governor Number One asked.

"Are you crazy? Hell yes, I'm denying it. Look at him. A person could go blind off the glare of his pasty arse."

"Harry." whispered Remus fervently. "Calm down."

"Like you're so great yourself." Draco retorted. "The only way you could ever get laid is from behind; no one will be able to take looking at that arse-ugly scar."

Harry stared silently at Draco for a moment. One moment is all it took for him to make up his mind; one moment for him to decide. He had expected revenge but this was too much. Trying to get Harry expelled was crossing the line. If Malfoy wanted to play dirty, Harry could play dirty too. That damn hat wanted to put him in Slytherin for a reason.

Harry took a deep breath before he said anything. He slowly exhaled, then looked at Draco with tears, albeit fake tears, in his eyes.

"You didn't seem to have a problem with my appearance last night."

"Excuse me? What are you on about, Potter?" Draco asked.

"Draco asked me to his dorm room. I thought he wanted to reconcile. In my heart I knew it was a bad idea to go, but I just couldn't help it. I suppose a part of me still cares about my little dracee-poo."

By this point, Draco's face had twisted into a horrible combination of shock, disgust, and a tiny bit of respect that Harry was this good at lying on the spot.

Harry continued his tale. "He and I had difficulty in regards as to when I should give him my virginity. It was the reason for our split, as Professors Dumbledore and Snape can attest to. Last night, he said he wanted it and would not take no for an answer. It was only my uncontrollable magic that protected me. I'm sure that is why he is now claiming harassment. He is angry at me for last night's magical outburst, and for the fact that he still did not get what he wants."

Silence prevailed when Harry finished. Dumbledore sat regarding Fawkes, the two governors stared at each other, Remus looked between Harry and Draco while wondering what the hell was going on, and Draco and Harry appeared to be staring each other down. Finally, Governor Number Two spoke.

"Why did you not tell anyone about this before now, Mr. Potter?"

"I was afraid. I'm the Boy-Who-Lived. I can't let people find out that I was almost assaulted by a Malfoy because I was stupid enough to go to his dorm room with him. What would people say?"

"I see." Governor Number One said. "Well, it is obvious that we are not going to be able to solve much this afternoon. Indeed, we have more questions now than before we met. We will be meeting with your friends and some of your professors to verify the accounts we have been given by you both. Until then, you are not to be alone together at any time. Now if you will excuse us, we have much to do."

Draco followed the governors out, leaving only Albus, Remus, and Harry.

"Harry, Sirius will be arriving tomorrow. While he can't openly support you, he wants to be here for you. He will be staying in Remus' temporary quarters." Albus informed him. "Now if you will excuse me, I have a meeting with the house heads.

"Oh course, Albus. Thank you for allowing me to stay at the castle during this difficult time for Harry." Remus said.

Harry was relieved that he could leave. He needed to get to Ron and Hermione before the governors did. He was really with them last night in the kitchens, and needed to tip them off as soon as possible.

"I was wondering if we could have a talk, Harry?" Remus asked.

"Can't it wait?"

"Well, I suppose, but-"

"It's just that whatever I tell you, I will have to repeat for Sirius tomorrow. Can't we wait for him so I only have to go through it once?"

Remus, thinking Harry just wanted to spare himself any additional pain, agreed and bade Harry goodbye. The teen shouted a hurried "bye" over his shoulder as he sprinted out the door and toward the common room, where he knew Ron and Hermione would be.

A/N: Me again. This story, unlike the other Horrible ones will have multiple chapters, as it all follows one story line with an actual plot. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed any of these stories. I still can't believe they are as well liked as they are. Please keep it up. The next chapter should be up soon.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Not mine

Chapter Two: Formulating Testimony

Harry ran through the halls of Hogwarts. He had to find his friends before the governors found and questioned them. Luckily, the meeting hadn't lasted long, so he knew exactly where they were. Unluckily, they were in Potions. Harry burst into the dungeon classroom and glanced around for his friends.

"Fifty points from Gryffindor, Potter." Snape snarled.

"Fifty! For what?" Harry shrieked.

"Tardiness and stupidity. Now sit down."

The Gryffindor side of the class groaned, yet settled down after receiving a dirty look from their professor. Harry quickly joined his two best friends and waited for Snape to turn his back so he could speak to them. He had no idea how long the governors would wait to start questioning them; if they were on their way he might not have much time.

Harry idly noted that Draco was not present in the class. Where he could have gone, Harry had no idea. However, he did have a very foreboding feeling about it. He finally got his chance when Snape was forced to focus on Neville's once again horrid potion.

"Guys! Hey, guys." Harry whispered.

"Yeah?" Ron questioned, glad to have something else besides his assignment to focus on. Judging by the hissing bubbles coming from it, all was not well within the cauldron.

"When you are questioned, say I disappeared last night and this morning I seemed upset." Harry whispered quickly.

Hermione finally looked up from her potion with her eyebrows raised. Ron was staring at Harry with his mouth hanging open like a fish.

"Repeat that." Hermione whispered as sternly as she could without Snape hearing.

"You heard me. When asked, just say I was gone last night and upset this morning."

"Who is going to be questioning us?" Ron asked.

"What have you done now?" Hermione wanted to know.

"Hogwarts' governors and accused Malfoy of trying to rape me."

Hermione gasped.

"What?" yelled Ron.

"Fifty points from Gryffindor." Snape shouted just as Neville's cauldron exploded. Snape instantly got a face full of potion.

"Everybody out. One hundred points from Gryffindor, Longbottom."

The students packed up their belongings and filed out, snickering all the way.

"What's so funny?" Harry asked.

"The potion." Ron wheezed in between laughs.

"Yeah?" Harry asked.

"Not so fast. First you are going to answer our questions." Hermione was in full boss mode. "What did you mean? What's going on, Harry?"

"Malfoy didn't actually try to rape you, did he?" Ron asked. Harry could tell he was trying to be concerned, but instead just looked really nauseous.

"Of course not. I'm still not sure if he is really gay or not. I just said that."

"Why on earth would you just say that?" Hermione asked.

"Look, guys." Harry ushered them into a nook within a wall so they could have semi-privacy. "Malfoy is trying to get me expelled."

Hermione gasped again but Harry continued.

"He's claiming sexual harassment and has gotten the governors involved. Remus is here and Padfoot will be soon, but things are really confusing right now. Can you please just pretend I wasn't with you guys last night?"

"You didn't harrass him, did you? At least not like that?" Ron asked, still looking sick.

"Of course not. This is just to get back at me for that letter I sent his parents."

"This has to end, Harry. You know it does. Can't you just take it back and tell them what has been going on. I mean, most of the professors know what you have been subjected to recently. Most of them have been in on it. Just try explaining it, Harry." Hermione begged.

"I can't do that, Hermione. I know it would be the sensible thing, but I can't."

"Why not?"

"I can't lose. I have to win at all costs."

"But why?" the witch questioned irritably.

"Oh, come on. You don't want Malfoy to get one over on him, do you?" Ron asked.

"Fine. We'll do it. But after this, it stops."

"Thanks, guys." Harry sighed relieved.

"Promise, Harry." Hermione ordered.

"I promise. After I get out of this mess, the whole stupid game is over." Harry vowed. "Now what was that potion that got all over Snape?"

"Oh, goodness." Hermione sighed. "I'm suprised Neville didn't get in any more trouble than he did over that."

"We lost a hundred points for it." Harry reminded her.

"Yeah, mate, but..." Ron trailed off before giggling.

"But?" Harry questioned.

"It was a potion for sustained erections." Hermione explained. "Poor Professor Snape is going to be quite uncomfortable for the next twenty four hours.

"Why the bloody hell did Snape have us brewing something like that?" Harry asked.

"We aren't really sure." Ron said. "Hermione asked, and even Blaise questioned Snape about it, but you know how the git is about answering us. Merlin help us if he actually tried to impart real wisdom."

Hermione raised her eyebrows. "Impart wisdom, Ron?"

"What? I know words." Ron said defensively.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione quickly glanced at each other before dissolving into racous laughter as they went down to dinner.

In front of a cozy fire in the Gryffindor common room that night, Harry explained the entire situation regarding his meeting earlier in the day.

"Are you sure you don't want to just take it back, Harry?" Hermione asked.

"I can't. I know it would be wisest, but I can't."

"He already promised that this would end it, Hermione. Just let it go, okay? It's not as if Malfoy doesn't deserve some type of payback for trying to get Harry chucked out." Ron said.

Hermione sighed in resignation and simply nodded.

"We need to get our stories straight." Harry added after several mildly uncomfortable minutes past. The weekend was upon them and he had a strong suspicion that they would be questioned within the next couple of days.

"What's to get straight?" Ron asked. "I thought you just said to say you weren't with us last night."

"We'll need to tell them more than just that, Ron. Things like what time it was when we last saw him, when he reappeared this morning, how we knew he was so upset." Hermione explained.

"Right." Harry said. "I also think it will help our story if-"

"Our story, Harry Potter!" shrieked Hermione. "Our story-"

"Shh." Ron hushed.

"Yes, our story." confirmed Harry. "You said that no matter what happened we were in it together."

"I don't want to be in anything that Malfoy is in." Hermione said.

"Aw, Mione." Ron whined.

She stared from one best friend to the other before relenting again. "Fine, our story."

Harry smiled a brilliant smile at her, green eyes blazing, as he continued. "I think it would help our story if we explain my recent breakup with Malfoy."

"Back to Malfoy, it it?" Ron smirked.

"Expulsion will do that to a person." Harry said. "Draco's parents, Snape and Dumbledore all witnessed me "break up " with Malfoy over his friskiness. I'll say I was regretting that decision, that I missed him and wanted to reconcile. However, he still wanted more and when push came to shove I couldn't do it."

"You may want to leave out all the innuendo, Harry." Hermione advised.

"Oh fine." Harry smirked.

"What about the house elves?" Ron asked. "Won't they rat you out if asked? I mean, they work for the school. The governors probably have control over them."

Hermione sat thoughtfully. "They really seemed to be most loyal to Dumbledore."

"Dobby will cover for me." Harry answered. "He acts as their spokesperson, I mean spokeself, even if they don't want him to. He'll do it."

By the time all three felt confident about the story and it's timeline, it was very late. Now all Harry had to do was formulate some type of explanation for his godfather and Remus.

A/N: Yeah, it's been a long time coming. I love writing, but I was in a rut where I just didn't want to do it. Sorry to all who have been kept waiting. I will not leave it this long again. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and was patient.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Not mine

Chapter Three: Explanations

The next morning after breakfast Harry received a short note from Remus. Sirius had arrived and wanted to see him as soon as possible. As it was Saturday, there was really no way to delay the inevitable. Ron and Hermione both wanted to see Sirius, so Harry was at least relieved that he would not be alone.

The trio quickly made their way to the private quarters Remus and Sirius were sharing. Harry was a little apprehensive about his godfather staying in the castle with an ex auror teaching defense, but there was nothing he could do about it. He was quite certain that Sirius would not be willing to leave while Harry was in so much potential trouble. Soon, they were standing in front of the portrait Remus described in the note.

Harry quickly glanced at the message again and muttered the password written in it.

"Edible undies."

Ron and Hermione raised their eyebrows, but said nothing.

As the trio walked into the sitting room, Sirius all but threw Remus off his lap before standing and walking to his godson. He swept Harry into a hug, while exchanging hellos with Ron and Hermione. Remus was still blushing, but somehow found the courage to greet his guests.

The five took seats on comfy couches around a coffee table, drinking tea and chatting. They discussed everything from the Triwizard Tournament to how much they missed Remus being the defense teacher. The young trio also wanted to hear all about where Sirius had been and the precautions he was taking to elude the ministry and dementors.

When all the tea cups were drained and the biscuits eaten, Remus spoke.

"Ron, Hermione, it's certainly been a pleasure seeing you, but I think we should probably talk to Harry in private now."

"But we know everything that is going on already, and-" Ron protested before being hushed by Hermione.

"Come on, Ron. Let's give Harry some time alone with his godfather."

She gently led the redhead out the door, promising Harry that they would all talk again later. Harry nodded as he watched his best friends leave. As the door closed behind them, he turned back to Sirius.

Sirius regarded Harry for several moments before speaking. "Harry, before we discuss anything else, I want you to know that Remus and I both accept you just the way you are."

"Even if I told you that I enjoy dressing in Hufflepuff robes and dancing around to muggle music at midnight." Harry asked.

Sirius stared at him for only a moment before responding. "Yes, we will still accept you. Although, we may at some point doubt your sanity, we will still accept you for the crazy nut you may be."

"I hope you still think that when you discover what a conniving Slytherin shit I am." Harry thought. Outwardly, he nodded.

"What happened between you and Malfoy, Harry?" Remus asked.

Harry sat silently contemplating what to say. He didn't want to lie to Sirius. He didn't want to lie to Remus, either, but he really didn't want to lie to Sirius. Maybe Hermione had been right. Maybe things had gotten too far. He couldn't really imagine either of the men now sitting with him being amused by the truth. Apparently, his silence lasted far longer than it should have, because Remus interrupted his musings.

The werewolf gently laid his hand on Harry's arm. "You said yesterday that you were with Draco in his dorm."

"What the hell were you doing in Malfoy's room alone? You know he can't be trusted." Sirius exclaimed.

"Sirius." Remus admonished before inclining his head to Harry. Sirius said nothing else, while Remus continued.

"You said he wouldn't take no for an answer, Harry."

"Uh, well-" Harry said, inwardly groaning.

"Did he force you, Harry?"

"Wait just a bloody minute." Sirius said, jumping up from his position next to Harry. "Remus, are you saying that Malfoy raped my godson?"

"I'm not saying anything, Padfoot. I'm asking your godson." Remus sighed before looking at the teen again. "You said a burst of uncontrolled magic protected you. What happened?"

Harry saw no way out. Granted, he didn't look too hard. Though he didn't want to lie, he also didn't want Malfoy to get away with his whole expulsion scheme, either.

"I- oh, it's embarrassing." Harry said.

"It's okay, kiddo. You can tell us." Sirius quietly encouraged.

"He kept smacking my ass and asking me to call him daddy."

Remus and Sirius exchanged looks, wondering what to say. Surely, some people might enjoy this, but asking it of Harry, who had no father, seemed rather tasteless.

"He said he wanted me on my hands and knees like a house elf likes it." Harry continued. He was looking straight ahead sure that if he glanced at either of the men, he would crack. Fortunately, this gave the impression that he was tramatized.

Sirius started to ask how the hell Draco would possibly know about house elf sex, but was interrupted before he could get the words out.

"He said he knew we would consummate our relationship that night. He claimed he had a vision earlier in the day with me, a can of cheese, and a yak."

"Uh, Harry?" Remus tentatively asked.

"He said he couldn't help himself anymore. He needed me like the night sky needs stars, like Dumbledore needs lemon drops, like his father needs his death eaters."

"Malfoy said all this?" Sirius asked.

Harry nodded before finally finishing. "He reached for me, and that's when it happened."

"The burst of magic?" Remus questioned while still looking slightly disturbed.

Harry nodded. "He was so angry. He said it felt like he had laid his nuts on fiery coals. Then I left. He was too busy holding himself and looking for a pitcher of water. He didn't try to stop me."

There was silence while the two older wizards pondered what Harry had said. Sirius was the one to brake it.

"What kind of little psycho thinks up something like that?"

Harry winced. "Yeah, weird, huh?"

"It's more than weird, Harry. Draco needs help." Remus responded.

"Remus!" Harry gasped. "Are you actually suggesting that we hire a prostitute that specializes in this sort of thing to help Draco?"

"Merlin, no."

"What kind of help then?" Harry asked.

"A therapist obviously." Remus answered.

"See, this is what happens when you insist on raising you child in the land of death eater orgies. They turn into little sexual deviants." Sirius said, ignoring the second wince that ran through his godson.

Instead, Harry decided to focus on what Remus had said. "I think he saw a therapist before, Remus."

"Really?" Remus asked, raising his eyebrows. "I'm surprised. His parents don't seem to be the type who would lower themselves and admit they need help with their son."

"I don't know all the details, but apparently, Draco has a fear of mail."

Again, Remus and Sirius just stared at him.

"I said I don't know all the details, just that his parents mentioned something about it and him working it out with someone."

"Well, that would do it. I can just picture Lucius and Narcissa trying to decide what is less humiliating, their son seeing a shrink or him yelling at the sight of owls with envelopes." Sirius said, clearly amused.

Remus chuckled despite himself and Harry smiled before he continued.

"Yeah, well the next thing I know he is accusing me of sexual harassment."

"This is the point where I came in, Sirius. I told you everything that happened in Albus' office." Remus said.

"Do either of you have any idea what, exactly, Malfoy is accusing Harry of?" Sirius asked.

"Sexual harassment. I just told you." Harry replied.

"That could mean a lot of different things, Harry. It's a very broad accusation." Remus explained patiently.

"Oh."

Sirius sighed. "I guess we'll just have to wait until you and your friends are questioned by the governors. We should have a better idea then."

"Yeah." Harry replied softly. He briefly wondered if he really could get expelled. Him and Malfoy were bitter enemies in the past, but he thought they had bonded over shared sex talk misery. Maybe he had gone too far involving Draco's parents. Were they behind this attempt to exile Harry from Hogwarts? Did they know about it? Depending on how his and his friends' questionings went, it may be time to write his ex-future in-laws again.

When Harry returned to the common room, only Hermione was there.

"Oh, Harry, how did it go?"

"Alright, I guess."

"Were you honest with them, or is that too much to hope for?" Hermione asked.

"Way too much." Harry smirked.

Hermione wanted to know everything that happened. When Harry was finished with his recap, she sat stunned.

"Well, say something." Harry prodded.

"Sirius is right. It would take some kind of deviant to think up something like that."

"Hey, you're supposed to be on my side."

"And what a side it is." Hermione said sardonically. "Hermione Granger: flagbearer for the arrogant, insane, sexual deviants."

Harry smirked again. "So, where is Ron, anyway."

"Oh, Harry." Hermione said. "He was summoned by Professor Dumbledore as soon as we returned here. He's currently in the headmaster's office with the governors."

AN: I'm so grateful that people are still interested in this story even though I left it for so long. As you can see, I updated much sooner this time. Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed. You guys are the best, so keep it up:)


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Not mine

Chapter Four: Truth Exposed, Kind Of

Harry wasn't very surprised when Hermione informed him about Ron's interview. He knew the governors would be trying to sort things out as quickly as possible to avoid disruption.

"So, you haven't been questioned yet?" he asked.

"No, but I expect I will be shortly."

The two friends sat in silence, each contemplating what could happen in the next couple of days. Hermione didn't honestly believe Harry would be expelled, but wanted the fiasco settled and put behind them. Harry used the time to fret over Sirius. The idea that his convicted murderer godfather was in the castle with Moody scared him. If he were honest, that was the only part of this ploy he regretted. And if Sirius were discovered...

The portrait hole opened and the missing part of the trio appeared. He immediately found his two best friends and joined them.

"Well?" asked Harry.

"It went well." Ron assured.

"Really? So?" Hermione asked.

"So what?"

Hermione sighed in exasperation. "What, exactly, is Malfoy saying he's done?"

"No idea." Ron said.

"What." both Harry and Hermione cried.

"How is that even possible?" Harry asked. "You had to have been in there for over an hour."

"They just asked me a whole bunch of questions. They never really said."

"Did it occur to you to, I don't know, ASK?" Harry shouted.

"I didn't want to hurt your case. I thought they might frown on too much nosiness." The redhead answered.

"Take deep breaths, Harry." Hermione advised her friend, who seemed to be turning a patented Angry Uncle Vernon maroon. "Nevermind, Ron. Just tell us what they asked. Maybe we can figure something out then."

"Well, they wanted to know if Harry and Malfoy were friendly and if they spent time together. What sort of things they did, if I knew of any girlfriends of Harry's. Uh, oh yeah. They asked if I knew offhand if Harry was gay. Stuff like that."

"What did you say?" Harry asked.

"Well, I said that you and Malfoy, actually I called him Draco, had a tumultuous relationship. You know, a real love/hate type thing. Made it sound really realistic. I told them that I didn't know what kinds of things you do, but that you seemed upset and withdrawn lately. This was illustrated with a story of how you turned down the chance to play quidditch with some of us this past weekend."

"What about the other stuff?" Harry asked anxiously.

Ron began to turn the color of his hair and said nothing. Hermione narrowed her eyebrows.

"You know." the witch encouraged. "The stuff about girlfriends and being gay."

"Well, you two know how I am when I panic."

"Oh, shit." Harry muttered.

"Language." snapped Hermione. She turned back to Ron. "Yeah. Sometimes you say things that perhaps should not be said."

Outwardly, she was calm, though in reality she was quite concerned. What in the world had Ron done?

"Ron, I need to know before I am questioned. Perhaps I can undo whatever damage there may be."

"Uh, well," Ron glanced nervously at Harry. "I may have said that from what I had heard of your sexuality, uhm..."

"Yes?" Hermione pressed.

"Well, I said that from what I knew you were a very confused threesome avoiding, frigid virgin who may have a thing for werewolves."

Silence prevailed amongst the three while this confession was digested. When it was broken, Harry spoke in a deceptively calm, slow voice.

"Ron, why would you say that?"

"You know what I'm like when I'm nervous." he explained again.

"Oh dear." whispered Hermione, not seeing at all how this could be undone.

"Why would you say that?" Harry asked again.

"I was nervous. Do you not understand that? I just thought-, well, you did have that talk with Remus."

"Why would you say that?" Harry shrieked.

"Harry, calm down. I'll figure something out." Hermione assured. "I'll think of something."

Suddenly, the portrait hole opened again and in stepped their head of house.

"Follow me, Miss Granger. You are needed in the headmaster's office."

"Better think fast." Ron mumbled, earning a glare from both his friends.

Hermione quickly followed McGonagall out of the common room, leaving the two wizards in silence once again.

Eventually, Ron chanced a glance at Harry. "Are you mad?"

Harry stared at him as though he were regarding hippogriffs fornicating. "Do you remember," he began quietly, "how we sat together on the train during our first ride to school. You were my very first friend ever."

Ron nodded and grinned. "Yeah. Best mates from that day on." He hesitated. "Right?"

"Oh, Ron. Memories like those are the only things keeping you from lying in a pool of your own blood right now."

"Right then." Ron returned to staring in the fire.

Hermione had only been gone a quarter of an hour before the portrait opened. It was not their friend, but Professor McGonagall once again.

"You two." she said pointing at Harry and Ron. "Follow me."

"Where are you taking us?" Ron asked.

"The headmaster's."

Harry glanced at Ron. This was either very good, or very bad. If Hermione had said something suspicious, or tattled on him, it was very bad. Hermione had given her word not to reveal anything, though, and she was far to intelligent to accidentally say anything. If, however, she had once again been forced to use her intelligence for evil, Harry was probably off the hook.

When Harry, Ron, and their head of house entered the headmaster's office, he was unprepared for the crowd that was there. It included Dumbledore, Remus and Padfoot, Hermione, Snape, Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy, Draco, and Governors Number One and Two. He caught Hermione's eye, but she just looked at him in bewilderment.

"Ah, now that we are all here, would anyone care for tea and lemon drops?" Albus asked.

The twelve occupants of the office declined, with varying degrees of politeness ranging from "no thank you." to "barmy old man."

Albus popped a candy into his mouth. "Let's get straight to the point then. Lucius, we seem to have a slight problem with your son."

"Draco, sweetheart." Narcissa said. "We have told you and told you. Mail can't hurt you."

"Actually, it can." Hermione explained. "If someone sends you a curse by mail, or undiluted pus of some sort, or a vial of poison, then..."

Draco had turned impossibly whitier as the young witch had gone on. "It's not the mail, exactly." he whispered.

Everyone turned to look at him. Harry stood and walked over to him. Kneeling, he placed a hand on Draco's shoulder. "What did you say, Dracee Poo?"

"It's what brings the mail."

"Owls?" Ron asked.

Draco nodded. "The big ones are evil."

Harry bit the inside of his cheek. Between his pose in front of Draco, the mail confession, and the huge crowd that was watching the scene, he was having huge difficulty keeping a straight face. Laughter would not help his position right now. After all, his fate was just about to be announced.

"Why are they evil?" Harry asked in what he hoped was a gentle and supportive way.

"They fly in when you are in the loo and perch on your pecker."

Gasps followed by snorts and laughter were heard throughout the room. Lucius closed his eyes and Narcissa sniffled.

Draco continued in a daze. He was obviously quite traumatized. "But they're so big, you can't get them off of you. You run around looking for something to help you, but there is nothing because it's a bloody bathroom. Then you panic. You panic and you panic and you accidentally slam your penis in the seat just to get the owl off you. But you do it so hard that it bruises and your Mum takes you to St. Mungos and they make you explain. They don't believe that an owl made you do this, so they call other people in to hear the story and everyone but you has a BIG laugh. Then you find out the the mail that was so important that it couldn't wait until you finished in the loo was just a stupid advertisement for the post office."

Ron very nearly had to be escorted from the room. Padfoot was on his back with his front paws covering his eyes. Harry closed his eyes, stood, and made his way to his friends. Dumbledore was in the process of choking on his lemon drop.

The governors who until then had been staring at the boy in mute horror, finally snapped to attention. Governor Number One turned to Draco's parents.

"You know, there are some excellent mind healers who..."

"I've seen one." Draco muttered.

"We had no choice." Lucius added.

"Yes." Narcissa agreed. "We became very concerned after he stopped using the loo."

"Do you have any concept of not saying more than is absolutely necessary, you ninny?" Lucius asked.

"I couldn't go wee wee for weeks." Draco said.

"Wee wee?" Ron stuttered through renewed laughter while Hermione elbowed him hard in the ribs.

"That's quite enough, my son." Lucius sneered.

Draco didn't seem to agree though, because he continued. "Now, I picture that owl. I picture that owl every time I try to uh, love myself."

Remus, who had somehow kept his composure until this point began to chuckle. On the floor beside him, Padfoot was howling. This time, Ron was escorted out by the governors. Even Hermione, who had somehow stayed so composed throughout the dramatic confession was giggling now.

"Draco, sweetheart." Narcissa was beside her son in an instant. "You should have told us. You have got to get this straightened up in your head."

"You most certainly do." his father snapped.

Narcissa nodded. "What will the Dark Lord think when he returns and hears this."

"Narcissa!" her husband shouted.

"I can assure you he will not be impressed." Draco's mother added.

"Silencio." muttered Lucius.

Narcissa glared at him but could do no more. Lucius turned to Dumbledore.

"You said there was a problem with Draco. What is it?"

The headmaster glanced at the governors. They glanced at each other, silently trying to decide who was going to deliver the odd news.

Impatiently, Lucius rounded on Draco. "Out with it. What have you done to disgrace our family's good name this time?"

Padfoot managed to snort in a way that left no doubt as to what he was thinking, while Snape rolled his eyes and Minerva muttered something about the You-Know-Who and bribery of the ministry.

"Young Mr. Malfoy came to the board and requested a complaint be filed against his ex fiancee." Governor Number Two explained.

"Why would you do that?" Lucius asked. "Do you have no dignity at all? No shame? It's reflects poorly enough on us that he is the one who broke the engagement."

"Wait." Harry said. "I thought you knew what he had done. You're on the board and asked these two to fill in for you."

"I only knew someone had filed a sexual harrassment complaint. I had no idea it was my own son. My own idiotic, traitorous son."

Governor Number One spoke. "Yes, well, you see, Mr. Malfoy. The problem lies in what your son actually claimed Mr. Potter did. It is, while odd, not really something that should have been brought all the way to the governors."

"Indeed," said his colleague, "we would have been _much_ happier had we never heard it."

"Whatever did he claim?" Narcissa asked. She had only moments earlier remembered that she herself could do magic and had broken her husband's spell.

"His complaint, which encompasses 53 pages worth of reading, is essentially that Mr. Potter called him a name he didn't like." explained Governor Number One.

"A name?" drawled Lucius.

"What name?" Narcissa asked.

Governor Number Two sighed.

A/N: Thanks so much once again to all my reviewers. Only one more chapter to go! Hopefully, all of this will be tied up then. I already have the next story in this universe planned and am anxious to get going on it. So, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and Malfoy's fear finally being revealed. Please review:)


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